You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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