Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
