i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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