Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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