this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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