its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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