So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize