That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Say something about gay babies.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
