woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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