So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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