he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
