you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
