I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
