come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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