I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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