i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize