His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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