Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize