I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
