She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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