If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
