I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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