I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
