just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We need a shit load of segways right now
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
