i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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