Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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