My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
