i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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