Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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