i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
