Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
