How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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