John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
