how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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