I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
love makes seman taste better
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
