Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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