How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
