sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
