Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
