omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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