hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
