you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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