did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
