Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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