I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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