genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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