just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize