who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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