I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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