a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
