i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
