ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
