margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
