i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize