I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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