Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
