Umm I'm too high to move.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
