She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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