You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
