Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
