u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
