Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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